Sunday, March 3, 2013
ROBBIE OF UNKUT HAS A PLAN FOR A NEW ONLINE VENTURE. IT'S CYNICAL, SHAMELESS, BIZARRE AND PROBABLY ILLEGAL
The time has come for me to escape from my mother’s basement. It’s been shits ‘n’ gigs while I was here, but it’s time to make some power moves. I’ve decided to share my six-point plan to take over the internets, and maybe finally get my own apartment in the process. The first step will be to launch my newest venture, Fuckboi Media Group, International (FMGI), which will act as an umbrella organisations under which all of these pioneering internets ventures will operate. With offices in basements in Tokyo, New York, Toronto, Nottingham and Hobart, FMGI represents the future in digital media. Our crack team of email spammers, forum trolls, social media pests and hackers will ensure that your product gets noticed, no matter how intrusive and inappropriate the delivery method might be. Mom$ BASEDment Records will handle all musical ventures, with a focus on future growth industries such as folk rap and tween rap. Early signees include $wag Dylan, a modern-day beatnik poet with a gift for social commentary who also keeps a foot in the fashion game with his range of organic, fair-trade scarves. With a microphone in one hand and a harmonica in the other, $wag Dylan has become a fixture on the mean streets of Williamsburg, Brooklyn. He’s found support in media outlets such as SPIN, Pitchfork and Rolling Stone for his home-cooked brand of new bohemian rap that combines the fiddles and banjos of Mumford & Son with the powerful poetry of Jack Kerouac. The tween rap sensation Karlee Rae $wagsen has set YouTube on fire with her with viral smash, Call Me Molly, Maybe. This edgy rap smash combines addictive pop melodies with a fun dance that warns about drug use while celebrating getting turnt-up over her latest crush. Uber-Viral Promotions, our PR firm, has just landed a worldwide campaign with McDonald’s to promote ‘The Hazelnut Shake’, which is a series of viral videos produced in conjunction with EDM producer Baaur that remove any reference to Harlem without losing the fun! The public will be asked to shoot their own interpretation of this international craze, incorporating the delicious new Hazelnut thickshake somewhere in the video for the opportunity to win a years supply of thickshakes! Don’t let those grumpy Harlem residents spoil the fun! White folks have earned the right to dance like idiots! Finally, RatchetRap.com will be a video site that runs all of the material deemed “too risky” by the people at WorldStarHipHop. This will include footage of pre-school fight clubs, tween twerk championships and rednecks setting animals on fire. With its server based in Switzerland, RatchetRap.com will be exempt from the arcane laws that prohibit footage of monkey knife fights and bear wrestling, allowing us to finally broadcast out long-awaited reality series, The Whale Hunters. Our goal is to expose WSHH as the Disney Channel of tasteless content that it clearly is. With this three-pronged attack into the music, video and promotions fields, Fuckboi Media Group is a sure-shot money maker. If you wish to become an investor in this exciting investment opportunity, please send money orders, unmarked bills, PayPal donations and sealed boxes of cereal to FMGI, courtesy of Mom’s Basement, The Internets. This is a movement, people! Rise and grind!